Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
