I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
