the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
