I just pynch a tree in the face
there's paper in my vomit.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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