I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
