So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
