I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
