i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize