Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
