I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
