Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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