I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize