They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
