I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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