Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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