My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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