Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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