She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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