There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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