Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
