I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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