I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
