Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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