You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize