someone threw a dead crab at me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
