dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize