you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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