She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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