we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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