I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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