She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have already put on my inside pants.
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