this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
