I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
