using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
