Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
