i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
