hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
