bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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