It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
