My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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