I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
