You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
