I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
