How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
