my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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