The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
