my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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