i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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