I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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