the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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