her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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