Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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