nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
