the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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