i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
