I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
