Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize