I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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