Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
