how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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