Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
