you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
