ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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