im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
