Ambien. No doubt about it.
She said her name was "party"
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize