We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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