Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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