theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
