My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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