another moral hangover. fuck.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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