if you like me you must not know who I am
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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