I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at about main and main street
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need water and some morals
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
