If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
